I vaguely recall,
Attending a company chalet in my Part-Time Warrior days, a boy 18 years of age, I had attended, knowing history could be repeated but magic could not, but rather taking my chances on seeing someone I had only gotten to know, but wanted so much to see, so I came and I stayed.
As the memories start pouring in, so does saturation, and I find myself misplacing events, or rather, stacking them, amongst one another, so much so that I confuse this and that with this and that... I can barely remember... I feel like I'm about to tell you a different story from the one I had intended.
Nevertheless, it was about taking my chances and showing up just to see someone I had only gotten to know. Moving along those lines, she would later go on to tell me that for reasons that were unknown to her then, she was indeed very happy when I bursted through the door. (That reason would be very easy to spell, but too difficult to admit to... later on...)
Again, we drift, but I found myself caught between fronting and being real. Somehow that mode of action got me so tired, I ended up spending the night on the community sofa, falling asleep.
What they didn't know was, my eyes were closed and I looked very much asleep, but the Lord knows my brain was loud and clear.
Someone had came and covered me with a blanket. I thought it was her, I had hoped it was her, but fearing disappointment, I kept my eyes shut. Just then she spoke, it was someone else's voice. The voice of her good friend, she said, in Mandarin, now I can't remember the exact words... But they sounded like,
"You should stop dreaming."
It was directed at the girl, with the blanket. I kept it as that and fell asleep for real this time.
The next day, I texted her, the one I had came to see, and asked about the blanket and if she knew who put it over me. She said she didn't know and I didn't ask further but somehow... Maybe a few days or weeks later... I got to know the identity of the assailant, which fuck me, I can't even remember what her name was now... But yes, ok I found out who and I never did got to thanked her for it nor even asked her about it... Did she teased me about it? I can't quite remember but I'm pretty sure the both of us acted as if nothing happened.
It's one of those TV scenarios you never thought existed in life itself.
Had we been given a chance to rewrite that... Had I known her true feelings or whatever it was that compelled her to do it (Oh I suddenly remember now... She went on to study Law at a University... The last thing I was told...) or whatever it was of a message she was trying to send me... Had I known all of that, I would have run so fast out the door without confronting it and broke her heart so symmetrically it would have been uneven.
And that's just the reality of it. You only push what is harmful into your body, in that sense, love and cigarettes are the same thing.